The Online Actos Blog

Just when it seems reality TV has hit rock bottom, a new and ever-more demeaning show emerges to set the bar even lower. Here are a few of the offerings that don’t exist yet — but just wait until the suits at FOX and UPN get wind of these ideas.

Ambush Boobjob:

In this exciting makeover extravaganza, we give a team of plastic surgeons a van, a bottle of ether, and one mission: endow, endow, endow! They’ll roam the city, looking for flat-chested women to ‘enhance’. Watch as the docs scope out their patients — “Look, ‘A’ cups! Grab her!” Then, they’ll pull her into the van, put her under, and kick her back to the curb with a fabulous new set of double-D’s! That’s ‘Ambush Boobjob’, where our motto is: “We make mountains out of molehills — whether you like it or not!“

Electri-Date:

Every week, a new woman goes out on blind dates with three men. And a taser. Watch, laugh, and learn as the guys forget to bring flowers. *bzzzzttt!* Or fail to open the car door. *zzzzzzap!* Or try to ‘get French’, after suggesting they ‘go Dutch’. *ssssszzzzzzzztttttttt!!* At the end of the show, the gal picks her favorite fella, who gets to choose between a second date or a trip to the local burn ward. Fun for the whole family!

Last Comic Starving:

A ‘true’ reality show, this show follows the lives of ten standups without day jobs, as they compete for gigs, auditions… and sandwiches. Only one will be able to scrounge enough cash together to buy groceries; the rest will either take up panhandling, or give up completely and settle into soul-sucking entry-level day jobs. Who’ll be playing to packed houses, and who’ll be delivering packages for a living? Tune in to find out!

My Big Fat Obnoxious Television Actress:

In this spin-off, we follow the trials, tribulations, and — most importantly — tantrums of a formerly-famous actress, as she attempts to claw her way back into the limelight. We’ll find the most belligerent, heinous, loudmouthed… hold on. We already tried this one with Roseanne. And Kirstie Alley. And Kathy Griffin. We can’t out-belligerent that. Never mind.

Pimp My Bride:

Still in the concept phase, this show could go one of two routes. In one scenario, we’ll allow prospective husbands to compete for glamorous upgrades for their blushing brides-to-be — facelifts, tummy tucks, nose jobs, and the like. Much like ‘The Swan’, for the already roped-in crowd. If we go the other way, you’ll see husbands pimp out their new wives for cash and prizes. Either way, it’ll be the most uncomfortable, gratuitously shocking show since… well, since ‘The Swan’. Or that ‘NYPD Blue’ with Dennis Franz’ butt. Keep an eye out for the pilot.

Queer Eye for the Street Guy:

Just because you’re wearing rags and living in a box doesn’t mean you can’t be fabulous! Our dream team of light-loafered fashionistas take one homeless person each week, and transform their clothes, lean-tos, and shopping carts into stylish, modern wonders. Watch to see the guys work magic with burlap, turn paper bags into treasured decorations — and you won’t believe the substances that can be used as ‘hair product’, in a pinch. See hoboes go faboo, and get in on the ground floor of ‘urchin chic’. It’ll sweep the nation, one back alley at a time!

The Real M.A.S.H.:

First, it was ‘The Real Beverly Hillbillies’. Then, ‘The Real Gilligan’s Island’. Why not bring back the most popular thirty-year-old T.V. show of all? We’ve dragged ten contestants off to Korea, where they’ll spend twelve tumultuous weeks dodging bullets, sewing people back together, and competing for fabulous prizes! And we’ve even gotten Jamie Farr, the original Sergeant Klinger, to host — because really, what the hell else has he done since 1983?

The Real World: Guantanamo:

This is the true story — ‘Truu-uuuee sto-ray!‘ — of seven strangers, picked to live in a tiny cell and have all records of their lives erased from all official records. Find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting… well, we’re not sure, frankly. The military won’t let our cameras in — but we’re working on it. Maybe in time for fall sweeps.

Survivor:Brooklyn:

Forget the barren outback or a mosquito-ridden jungle. Let’s see what sort of alliances form when we drop teams of wide-eyed tourists off in the middle of the borough. Cabs only big enough for two people, subways heading every which direction, challenges involving walking down long, dary alleys — will competition reign, or will the survival instinct kick in? And if it gets boring, will we walk them over to Harlem to spice things up? There’s only one way to find out!

Temptation Island: Greenland:

Sure, it’s more interesting with the skimpy clothes and hot, sweaty nights. But if these people can create sparks through sub-zero temperatures and six layers of parkas, that’s worth watching! Will they ‘play it cool’, or risk a bout of hypothermia for a roll in the permafrost? Only time — and emergency treatments for frostbite of the extremities — will tell.

Charlie Hatton is an overzealous blogger and aspiring standup comedian offering smart, sophisticated humor about life, language, and the size of his naughty bits. He writes semi-daily and mostly randomly at Where the Hell Was I?

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Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

HOW TO DO EVERYTHING WITH …XP
–Or, are you sure Windows XP can fly me to the moon and back? –

The world is moving at a break-neck speed these days, so it’s no wonder we’re impressed as heck with turbo-charged racing cars, bored out of our trees with fast food, and whacked out of our gourds by something called jet lag.

And, since every problem needs a solution including where to find the best beer in town, who insisted on moving my cheese, and why Godot hasn’t arrived yet, it’s not surprising someone had to write a masterpiece like “How to Do Everything with Windows XP”.

For residents of planet earth who don’t own book let alone a computer, dweebs who haven’t got a clue how to operate a laptop, a DVD player, or an iPod for that matter and dingbats who prefer using a pencil and paper - this breathtaking book will regrettably do nothing to improve their lot in life.

It would be nice to think that computer hardware and software is a match made in heaven. But few of us understand the intricate workings of these digital doom machines that often go belly up from back-door bugs, virulent viruses, and nefarious nuisances called Trojan horses.

So, I’m not inclined to put too much faith in a book or a machine that guarantees my life will be worry-free, painless, and cost less than a visit to the Tooth Fairy-Godfather.

Methinks it’s a tad presumptuous on the part of the author to suggest that I can do everything with “Windows-XP”. Is there nothing this awesome piece of magic can’t do?

I admit I can’t pull rabbits out of a hat. But please tell me again how “Windows-XP” will help me do the following list of daily chores that keep me fit as a fiddle, peachy keen, not to mention at one with the universe of all things great and small?

– Sing saucy songs at the top of my lungs in the shower just to annoy my high-brow, nosey-poking, next-door neighbor.

– Brush my teeth to remove the grunge (tartar) and make my breath fragrant as all get out (so other living creatures will feel comfortable in my presence).

– Relieve myself occasionally and conveniently when the spirit moves me.

– Talk compassionately to my pet rock “Godot”.

– Feed my rather sparse-leafed money tree named “Kaching”.

– Walk my miniature rottweiler “Sir Galahad” (and of course pick up after him with those brand-named doggy bags).

– Meditate on life without monsters, telemarketers, and virtual reality TV shows.

– Unplug, debottleneck, and take power naps (whichever comes first).

– Separate recyclables and transport the refuse to designated bins marked “paper only”, “glass”, “plastic”, and “everything else but the kitchen sink”.

– Prepare my favorite comfort food, “bangers and mash” (i.e. well cooked pork and mashed potatoes garnished with gobs of calorie-laden butter and gravy).

My humble advice is stay away from digital devices and books that tell you how easy it is to operate them. Whenever you feel the urge to know more about a dingus or purchase a doodad that does everything, just visit a kindergarten nearby and ask the little tikes how to have fun.

And, as every kid at heart knows, you don’t need another bleeping book or the latest bit of bling-bling to know you’re alive and how to have fun!!

About the Author

Theolonius McTavish, a quirky curmudgeon whose mirthful meanderings include slow food, slow motion, and slow dating in that order of magnitude (provided he’s not interrupted by perplexing potshots from the ripsnorting realm of The Quipping Queen — www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com)

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